5 Lessons I Learned NOT TO DO From MY Dating Intermission and Quarantine Boos

Dear Lovely Wanderers,

As you read about my scary interactions during quarantine and pre-quarantine, you'll see pivotal moments in my life that sparked development in my younger self.

I wouldn’t say I learned a lot from them at that age because I am still actively unlearning harmful beliefs that got me into these situations in the first place.

But I will say that these lessons did pique my interest, and came into my field of vision, aka my frontal lobe's thoughts at 21, and I hope they do the same for you.

1. Don’t use your body as your worth.

This one is more personal to the younger, 20s-me.

I think being so hypersexual really did a number on what I thought my worth was as a tall plus-size girl.

Most of my identity is tied to being sexual and thinking my femininity is tied to how I present myself sexually.

I want you to know and remember that you are more than a sex toy for men.

You are worth getting to know on a deeper level beyond your private parts.

YOU are not required to be the object he wanted to conquer/ collect. You are a person with a mind that thinks and has feelings.

I think a lot of us as women, and if it doesn’t resonate with you, it’s okay to keep reading, but like a lot of us really see ourselves as performers for the male gaze.

Imagine the jester gif that’s dancing in front of the queen.

That gif is exactly what it feels like to perform for men simply to see our worth, and our bodies, which are often sacrificed to satisfy that.

I know there was the trend of decentering ourselves from the male gaze, but even sometimes for the woman's gaze, there is a part of us that is performatively sexual and using our bodies.

Whether the female gaze is empowering for everyone, I have no clue yet; that is up to you to decide, but I do know that when catering to the male gaze, it feels harmful and degrading. SOOOOOOOOO....

But, I will say, though, when I did start to decenter men's opinions and their need for sex after my horrible instances, doing things for the woman's gaze, felt freeing.

It felt empowering in the sense that women will celebrate your body, your accomplishments, your independence more than men will.

When women do it, it isn’t done in a sexually degrading manner but in a sexually uplifting in a way.

There can be a whole breakdown of this, but back to the main lesson at hand.

Your body does not equate to your value or worth in a relationship.

You aren’t a pony needing to perform tricks.

2. DO NOT CENTER Male Opinion

The previous point lands us here.

When Drake said, “don’t do it for the man, men never notice , you just do it for yourself,” he was right.

Don’t center ideas around men and their pleasure, their wants, their needs.

They won’t care, notice, or even uplift you in the way you desire.

Instead, center it around YOU. What do you like that makes you feel special?

Cause you know what’s worse than losing out on a man… losing out on the best version of yourself.

Losing a man feels like the end of the world, but shit, losing your identity is even worse because you’re gonna ask yourself who are you?

And why did you focus on pleasing this person?

But I feel like I know the thought brewing in your head right now, well, how will the guy ever like me?

Well, is he really liking you if you’re just a reflection of him and his personality and not yourself?

Like, truly, is he picking you, or just the girl version of himself, or just the idea of you?

When you center yourself around male validation, you lose sight of what brings you pleasure and the things that create your identity.

I hope that makes sense.

We have parts of ourselves we develop, and if we lose that identity in men, then what is there of you?

Also, what do men know? JK, but not really. Their opinion isn’t what matters.

When you build yourself outside the premise of a man, that’d actually attract you to the person that satisfies your wants and needs in a relationship, better, and relationships aside,

It attracts you to groups of people you’d like to be associated with.

Centering men and their ideologies of what is acceptable is harmful for women, and I can go on and on about my opinion on this, and will in another section.

But when it comes to dating, the lesson is to decenter them.

What do you like? What do you want to be around that matches your personality?

Are you even compatible with this person and feeling confident enough to date them?

That is what centering yourself in dating sounds like.

It’s putting you in the equation, so that in the end it is you and the person in the relationship, not solely the other person, because trust-pleasing a man doesn’t come with much reward, Pookie.

Like my girl Gabriella once said in HSM, “Who’s the prize? Troy” ,

I shall say the same. “Who’s the prize? Men?”

3. Don’t take rejection personally

Reading this in 2026, I say never let a man who disrespected you after being the one who pursued and showed you that he wanted you first, reject you, and allow yourself to take that shit to heart.

Truly, rejection is the best gift a person can ever give you.

It brings you closer to alignment.

If you chase them after rejection, then you’re chasing misalignment.

Sometimes rejection allows a break to realign with your values and take a step back.

Maybe that is the love of your life, but how will you know if you’re not allowing rejection to take up space and push you to realign?

Sometimes we tie ourselves to the pursuit of something and aren’t really seeing ourselves clearly.

Like we enjoy the fighting for something we think is worth it, and rather than the person themselves, to the point where it’s like, is this you and what you desire?

Are you really into this because you truly value the person, or is this just fighting for someone to say you tried?

I hope that makes sense. Tell me this makes sense in the comments.

Sometimes we are just enjoying the drama while losing pieces of ourselves in the drama.

It’s like fighting for someone to stay with when they have never treated you well.

You felt awful during the experience, but because you invested so much, you want to keep this thing (relationship) going and not see what is happening to you and your values.

Rejection literally takes you away from the connection you are trying so hard to keep, the fights, the self-abandonment, and brings you down to sit with the sadness, to seek realignment, and moves your self-love to another level.

Rejection isn’t about you personally, and it is, in fact, more about them, but it’s also the world/ God or whatever you believe in telling you to stop, slow down, and realign.

Yes, they rejected you, and you are still a hot girl, guy, or person. That is a fact.

You are a hot, smart girl/guy/person with a personality, and they did not reject those parts.

Instead, they rejected whatever felt misaligned to them, or maybe it is also the world/God/universe that rejected what the connection can do to you.

I personally believe in God, so I will say God protected me from these male connections.

He knew I deserved better than what I was settling for and that they are misaligned to my values, the standards that I have yet to develop, which is great because these horrible experiences that came with rejections were the movement in my life I needed to establish standards.

See, rejection brings you to standard development, self-development, hobby development, cause trust heartbreak comes with those, and value development.

Rejection gives you a good pause, and it is never personal.

You are amazing, no matter who rejects the concept of being with you,

Rejection is saying no to the concept of you. Which you are not a concept. You are the reality. You are the experience, and they are just rejecting the rough draft. Not rejecting the actual product.

AYEEE A WORD!!!!! AMEN

4. Don’t Let Fear Carry You

Boy, this speaks from my experience.

Don’t let the fear of being alone carry you into dark places. Don’t let the fear of being mean keep you in situations that can be easily abandoned.

Just don't let fear.

Remove yourself when shit gets weird.

Do not fuck around and find out.

I have stories that really have you going “girl, what?” because I let my want for companionship and fear of never having my person lead me down a dark place.

It is okay again to want a person, but to let it bring you to hell and have you burn next to the devil is crazy work.

Cause who tf do you know kept getting rejected through asexuality? Exactly LOL.

When I need validation these days from men, and the guy is weird, I ghost slowly cause I am not going to subject myself to hell.

I had an invisible shackle in my dating intermission cause I could’ve left, but I stayed, y'all. Why?

All cause I wanted a man to talk to and feared I'd never have men adore me like this.

When I should've gone to the next person that would be better and less weird.

That’s the lesson here.

If it gets weird, just leave cause they don’t know you.

You are not lonely; speak to your friends if you need to or if you have some.

Now, if the person does know you and y'all hang out once, still leave.

But like, if it’s like the Mr. PEEPEEHEAD explain and LEAVE. Matter fact block.

Like always, leave when it gets weird in a negative way, like unconsenting, disrespectful, etc., kind of negative.

Again, YOUR COMFORT AND SAFETY MATTERS MORE!

Someone once said dating apps bring you in contact with people you shouldn't encounter, and it’s true.

I think being online socially brings you into contact with weirdos.

Hence, block, delete, and gone.

Do not collect horror stories. Collect awkward date stories and incompatible stories, not trauma stories. (I know men are a traumatic experience, all offense, so it’s unavoidable sometimes. )

Don’t stay talking because you crave companionship or cause you feel bad for cutting something short.

Or cause you fear you won't experience this again. Cause girl... you will.

5. DO NOT CONSENT FROM FEAR

That is my lesson from the current me.

It seems my people pleaser consents even when fearful, and honestly, that is not consent.

As I said before, consent is exciting, it is fun, and something you want to do of your own volition. Your own will.

Fear is not consent; it demands and dysregulates your nervous system, destabilizing your body.

Fear of something bad happening or emotional pressure that instills fear removes your will and excitement.

It triggers fight-or-flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

If you are a people pleaser or feel you have no choice but to agree, you may freeze and fawn, leading to self-abandonment, dissociation, and discomfort.

Which leads to you accepting whatever the person is pressuring you to do.

I am not going to add on more just yet...

But do keep this in mind:

Do not allow someone to make you consent under pressure and fear because that doesn’t make it fun and willing anymore.

Instead it creates a continuous state of self-abandonment, and it is also a form of coercion and assault.

If you have consented out of fear before, remember you are not alone in this experience, and that it is not your fault!

You are not broken, or weak or stupid because you felt unsafe or scared to say no, or you wanted to make the person happy by just agreeing.

The person who made you feel scared in the first place is the one meant to carry that, not you.

A lot of us don’t think it’s coercive or assault because we think that we technically consented, but really, we did not consent from a place of will, but rather a place of fear, which removes will.

Consent is always willing!!!!

Now..

I hope these resonated with you and felt empowering, as they do for me.

I hope you start thinking about these lessons and implement at least two of them, because number 5 is the law!

Yours Truly

Your big, silly sister,

Marie Anne