Dear readers,

It’s almost time for my favorite chapter of my life! 

The previous chapters feel like fillers for the upcoming chapters. However, you have to know this tea before the life-changing man gets introduced.

Year 21

 This was the year I turned 21! Quarantine was ending, and outside was opening up again. I was tapping into more sexual energy because, during quarantine, I met two people who, yet again, sexualized me and activated my hyper sexualism.

 Let’s start with the first person, who I wish I had a chapter on but have no words for because they gave me mixed signals in the form of sexual identity. We will call this person the sexual identity weaponizer. 

I will use this moment to explain the best I can. We met around mid-summer, the start of quarantine, and post the official 6-line “break up”. Hmm.. in the beginning, they were innocent and conversational. 

Our Identities

They would ask and answer questions even off limit ones, and we would support each other around doing school online and surviving through a global pandemic as 20-somethings. 

They identified as being nonbinary, bi-sexual, and polyamorous. I was in my sexual identity exploration time and accepted them just as they were, which we both spoke about and validated each other on. 

But then, they decided to get risky and would get drunk and sext me. 

They would even ask for nudes at some point and tried saying that they weren’t like straight men who beg for photos (this was, in fact, false, they were indeed like the straight men who did beg), and they would say they couldn’t send a nude back because it’d look weird for them to do that. 

New Way Rejection

Of course, I ate up that excuse but didn’t care for them to send their nudes. 

During a deep part of quarantine, weeks into sexting, they told me they might be asexual. I validated their new realization and related to the question of their sexuality because sexual identity is tricky to understand sometimes. However, they used that as a tactic to turn me down. 

I didn’t catch on until it became a pattern. By this I mean, in order for them to stop sexting me and seeing me, they would say oops, sorry they’re asexual. 

Then they’d start to sext me again and say things so that I felt something would lead to the idea of us being together for sexual things i.e, friends with benefits. 

Then when they weren’t in the mood for sexting longer, they’d say sorry, I think I am asexual again. This continued for a while. 

They weren’t cute to me anymore because of the mixed signals and how they went about rejecting me. Also, our first facetime was awkward, and I noticed they were balding a bit and just talking non-stop.

Sexy Pen Pal

During the time I was talking to a sexual identity weaponizer, I decided I wanted to experience pen pals during quarantine to keep me company. This is where I met my Norwegian lover.

We were so friendly with one another that he would teach me about his area, teach me cool phrases and talk about how we were coping with the shutdown. 

He had a cute cat, his own place and we snapped daily. He’d watch my Snapchat stories and call me beautiful—all the things I needed in that year, honestly. 

We’d discuss our lives and the music we listen to. I felt like we became friends and then when dangerous hours rolled in, he’d ask if I’d like to see his zinger. I’d always decline, but one day through miscommunication he sent me one. 

The Zinger

I was impressed by how thick it was but horrified by the sight of seeing one for the first time. He did apologize for the misunderstanding and I said it was okay which then led to more being sent. 

It was truly impressive seeing it for the first time because I was like, wow, it’s not that ugly. I usually find these things unsightly, but this one was nice.

On top of the photos, he would send me grunt videos of his zinger in his hand. It was really him that got me to my sexual energy. I loved talking to them despite the images and videos. HIS VOICE OMFFFFGGG! The deep voice made me want to melt. He was so respectful about sending me his pics and videos at least through my eyes because he’d always ask. 

However, things ended soon after we got risky because I noticed something cute in our astrology on Snapchat, and I may have screenshotted it to show them what they probably thought was me screenshotting their videos/photos, so they unfollowed me. We lost contact.. forever..😥😥

 It became the saddest day of my life that day. 

I was so lost that day and just felt so confused as to why he disappeared that day. I was one plane ticket away from going to Norway in a pandemic

Post Ghosting Blues

He introduced me to taking nudes, though. I was heavily into taking those when he was talking to me which he didn’t pressure me to send. In retrospect, this was probably something traumatizing that my mind glorified and excused because he was hot (to me), it was consensual (for the most part) and had a sexy good voice.

The reason for his story being important is it inspired me for my 21st. I decided to have a lingerie themed 21st!! I took so many sexy photos and loved this side of me, but at the same time hated it.

 I had become heavily a Bumble girl during this era, and in the month October of that year, I posted new pics from my birthday shoot on my yet again new dating profile and started scouting for love again. 

One lazy, sleepy, tired swipe later, I landed with Mr.Baldy. My pickup line? A gif from New Girl that said, “I got nothing.” I had an ick about him when I woke up to us matching because he was balding at 23. He had a bald spot on the front of his head, but once we started talking, I ignored it and immediately made him beautiful to myself. 

But, this isn’t the chapter to speak on him yet; get ready, though, because it is significant. 

Lessons? Nah

I wish I had many lessons I could take away from my top two quarantined situations, but I didn’t. 

Now at my current age, I wish I didn’t send spicy pics to the nonbinary person and allowed them to keep them for free. I should’ve made them pay!!!! 

There is a lesson after all, make ’em pay for the spicy pics and don’t send them unless you truly feel safe with this person to do so.

 I am no longer sending those again because if you want to see me spicy, take me out and get the real deal. 

Also, I can see so many things going wrong with sending them, like what if it gets leaked or what if your phone is hacked? It’s a lot of overthinking and anxiety for me, so I won’t be doing that. 

If you ever send spicy pics, it’s okay as long as you are okay with that.

Know your person and make them delete them when the relationship is over because it’s weird that they’d still have it after its end. They could use it as spite.

But, it’s really up to your comfort. Remember, your body, comfort, and consent matter more when putting yourself out there. 

Comment and let me know if you can relate to this or let me know if you learned anything from here!

Peace out ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾

Marie-Anne