Valuable Learned From Baldy

Dear wanderers,

Mr. Baldy, aka the love of my life, left me with a lot of valuable personal standards and a huge takeaway that I have to speak on its own.

Consent..Consent… Consent

I mean it.

Consent is enthusiastic, sober, and sure. I didn’t write this into the story because it was long enough as is, but I was supposed to bring wine!!!

Thank goodness I didn’t!

I mean, he wouldn’t have done anything weird because I know in my heart he wouldn’t, but can you imagine how I’d feel as a lightweight after drinking like it wouldn’t have been good?

I already felt so hollow when he rejected me. If I’d let alcohol take control and acted impulsively, I know that emptiness would have multiplied, twisting into shame.

When we were deep into making out, before removing our clothes, he asked what I wanted to do. I replied, "Anything you want," thinking that was very consensual. But now I realize it wasn't a clear yes.

I have a theory that he knew that, so that is why he knew not to further our night. That’s my theory.

Consent comes with a sure yes.

Like I should’ve said, I wanna have sex with you, but in that moment I wasn’t sure that was what I really wanted, and honestly, in that moment I just wanted him to take over me, to be honest.

Like in the shows, the guy just ravages her body and brings undeniable pleasure after hearing the words “whatever you want to do”.

That’s what I thought would happen, to be honest.

Spoiler.. It did not happen lol.

I did tell him “enter me”, and where are the condoms, because I wanted no STDs.

I did not care if it was just fingers.

When I was younger, they said you needed condoms for everything!!

To be fair, they only discussed condoms for the act of oral and intercourse, nothing about the hands, so it was a limited understanding on my part.

But he told me we were not doing that (aka sex), so that wasn’t necessary, which scared me in that moment like omg.

I am sooo glad I learned this after, but in the moment, I will say I was extremely confused, like, is this how sex is supposed to happen?

Like, I am saying yes, why isn’t he wanting to sex me up right now?

Do I need to tell him again? Like, like I am sex ready here!

This is where, after our shindig, basically two years later, I was like,

"Oh, consent is both what we want to do, and the man doesn’t decide everything for the girl.”

Also, fingering does not require condoms, bro.

Also, consent is not pressured.

Whenever our momentum built, I wondered if he was worried I didn't want to go further.

I kept saying "Enter me" as girls did in the movies when they were moaning, all while thinking about condoms, but looking back, I realize that even when I became an enthusiastic yes later, it was still a no for him.

Consent means both people are comfortable.

That is consent.

I was unlearning a lot in the moment. Here was how it went:

At first, I was present but also in my head, wondering, "Are we having sex? Is this sex? Why doesn’t he want to enter me?"

I then muttered to him "Do you have condoms? (Him: No, we are not doing that) Me: Nods Okay.

Then, back in the mood, my thoughts resurfaced: Is he scared? I wanted him to know I was ready, not scared.

I told him, "Enter me!" He replied, "We are not doing that."

So I stopped worrying and continued making out, realizing we wouldn't have sex.

Literally got reassured twice in those moments, and I moved on like this just wasn’t gonna be sex.

Glad we didn’t go further.

Uh, looking back, I am extremely glad I did not lose my virginity that day with Jujustu Kaisen blasting in the back.

I am also glad he didn’t take my questioning about the condom and me saying enter me as pressure because I don’t know if I can live feeling like he felt pressured to perform in that sense.

I was just anxious and excited, feeling things I never thought I would.

Can you tell I have trauma?

So, in all, my biggest takeaway about consent was:

Consent is about BOTH parties.

Consent is meant to be exciting for both parties.

Consent does not include pressure; consent can change, and that’s okay.

Consent is enjoyable.

Consent is sober.

Consent is about your and your partner's comfort, and lastly;

Consent is most of all mandatory, not full of assumptions.

This goes for you men, too! A woman should not continue doing an act to you if you are feeling uncomfortable or don’t want to.

Just because you’re a man doesn't mean you have to take it.

Consent matters for both men and women. BOTH PARTIES MUST BE INVOLVED!

—----------------------------------------------------------------------

Trigger warning: sexual violence

This lesson really matters a lot for me, and the reason he is on the pedestal for the bare minimum is that I never got consent from men growing up. My dad is a great dad, so this isn’t about him violating my space.

What I learned about sexual violence didn't come from my dad.

It’s about the men who catcalled me, the men who were in my personal space as a kid (I am unfortunately an uncle and family friend statistic, sadly), and the men who pressured me to please them.

So yeah, it really changes your psyche when a guy you actually liked for the first time and respected respects you back and asks for permission to enter your space.

When I was excited, I felt something; can you believe it?

I was always nervous as I got older that I wouldn’t be present or feel anything when I would decide to have sex.

My fear was always, " Am I going to dissociate, am I going to start yelling, or will I just be silent?”

I really was hyposexual before quarantine started and returned hyposexual after the quarantine. So, I didn’t even think I’d have a reaction to the possibility of sex.

I didn’t care for sex; heck, I was scared of sex.

I still am, but less so, because I know now that we will consent.

I can consent. Sex has consent, it isn’t like the movies where they just do, which I sadly believed!

____________________________________________________________

They need to debunk sex in movies like I really was, with the mindset that it just happens after kissing. You don't gotta ask each other, it just happens.

False, and I am glad I learned that.

I feel like a silly locked-up Christian, but I am. I didn’t learn sex until middle school, and even then, I came into this experience with a silly mindset.

Middle school just taught us how to prevent pregnancy and STDs.

Honestly, our middle school sex education was better than most, but I wish they'd covered fingers and consent, not just pregnancy and STD prevention.

Speaking of, after I consented, I went completely silent, so they really need to explain word-for-word what happens in sex.

After we completed the deed, I even panicked cause I gave him so many hickeys, and I felt bad cause I didn’t expect him to actually have hickeys!

He was a very vocal guy, thank goodness! He was letting me know what he liked, including my neck kisses.

Also, did you know you should ask your partner for permission before giving them a hickey?

I learned that after.

I felt slight guilt, but he covered them really well, though. Mine wasn't covered because it was so tiny, but my mom saw it!!!! She asked me about it, and I was frozen.

Thankfully, someone else distracted her, so I didn’t have to explain. But he used makeup to cover his.

Anyways, enough of that, if anything you take from this is that you are a person deserving of consent.

Male or female, or however you identify.

You are worth asking for permission enthusiastically and can withdraw consent without feeling bad.

Consent changes, and that is okay!

Comfort matters.

Your space is yours, not anyone's to take without your consent.

Your freshly educated queen,

Marie Anne