Part 2 to Baldy

Dear Wanderers,

The Baldy saga continues ...

The day of our anime-watching, my cousin and ‘some girl’ told me this wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.

I assured them that this is exactly what it’s going to be, so, to make things less awkward, I didn’t shave and wore my huge grandma flower undies that weren’t meant to be sexy at all.

I knew I’d be too embarrassed to do anything by being hairy and having childish undergarments.

Originally, I also planned to wear my Hulk sweatshirt, since that's what we’d talked about, but things shifted when my friend suggested I wear something seductive instead.

Wanting to look nice for him, I listened and skipped the Hulk shirt.

I decided to wear an open-top, jeans, and, of course, Vans.

I was a hardcore Vans girl.

He finished his work early, and we met up at his apartment to get food.

Meanwhile, my cousin, who insisted he was too good to be true, was very anxious about the whole experience.

She thought he was going to murder me at his apartment(we were deep in our criminal minds era).

Throughout our time together, she kept checking my location and texting me often, as did my friend.

With the way they were checking up on me, if I were going to be murdered, they would be on it asap.

On another note, I brought him a Batman Funko pop out of gratitude and love for paying for my ice cream, and because gift-giving is my love language—

I wanted him to know I liked and valued him.

When I arrived, we walked to get Thai food together, and we held hands again!!!

I had never had Thai food, so I trusted his recommendation.

When I took out my card to pay, he quickly stopped me and insisted on covering the bill. Again!!

That totally seduced me—like, wow, you really don’t want me to pay, bae?(I am not used to men paying for me, obviously.)

After getting food, we stopped to grab some water and then headed inside.

He showed me around his place, but I felt shy because it was his space.

Still, I actually really looked forward to seeing his bedroom.

His bedroom was so him, and I loved it.

I handed him his gift, and he seemed so happy to receive it.

We hugged as he said thank you. I really loved seeing how happy he was to receive it.

After we hugged and he thanked me, I took off my shoe and asked where I should sit.

He said anywhere, so I climbed onto the bed and sat on the side closest to the window.

NYC apartments are small, so his bed was by the window.

Putting on Jujutsu Kaisen—which was trending and my favorite anime ever—we got close on the bed.

I tried Thai food for the first time and was really into it. It was very tasty. I think I had noodles with shrimp or something. I remember his had peanuts and noodles.

I asked if he wanted to taste mine, and then I fed it to him.

When I fed it to him, I fell harder because to feed him was so fine, like that’s really my bae.

This was when I learned I love feeding a man from my spoon. HELL YEAH!!

He asked if I wanted some of his, but since it had peanuts—and I don’t do nuts (hahaha)—I passed… on the nuts… HAHAHHAHA

Then we stopped eating cause we got full and enjoyed watching my anime bae, Gojo Satoru.

Side note: His roommate had a cute chunky cat!!

I was so in love with the cat because it was so chunky, and it kept ignoring me. Another sign, truly.

Even though the cat ignored me, he told the cat, in front of me, who I was and that the cat would be seeing me more. (LIES)

Honestly, it kind of felt like the cat already knew it was all a lie.

While we watched, the cat sat between us on our laps as we held hands close to a certain area, and he wrapped his arm around me.

Eventually, while staying like that, a little friend popped up in that area, and he quickly apologized, saying he didn’t want to give the wrong idea.

I told him it was fine because, honestly, I just figured he got happy being close together while watching the show.

Then I looked at him and admitted right away, 'I want to kiss you, but I’ve never had my first kiss.'

(A lie—but also kind of true, because honestly, whatever happened with me and the 6 line I wasn’t even present for, so did it really happen, pookies? Not exactly.)

He got excited, and as he leaned over me to kiss me, I felt every touch—shocked and happy that, wow, I actually might be pretty good at this thing I’d been nervous about and I'm actually feeling present.

The kiss deepened, tongues involved, and soon I was on my back.

Since this isn’t a fan fiction site, I’ll keep it PG:

just know I ended up doing more than I intended, but not everything, because he acted like a gentleman—at least, that's what I thought then and now.

As our make-out session continued, he eventually asked what I would like to do tonight, and by that point, I was so into him that

I told him he could do whatever he wanted because he could have my body.

I was generally going to be fine with just making out, but then he asked for consent, and I said yeah, he can have me any which way fuck it, we can do it right now!!

Matter fact, enter me!

Thankfully, he didn’t have my body all the way through and let me know we are not going to do that tonight.

We didn't do the thing that would produce a child, but we did things that, if done solo, would bring completion.

I believe I had an amazing O 3 times back to back, and all because he asked me if I came after he came.

When I told him no, I did come, he made sure I was good on that part 3 times in fact. Muahaha.

(Last time I saw the sun for real cause I ain’t never O like that ever again and never kissed anyone ever since.)

Anyway, after I finally caught up to him on the release, we just made out, and I think at some point he muttered I love you but my ears ain't hear that for real, must've been the wind.

It was very confusing to me, though, that I felt such a great thing in my body with such comfort, and to that I am so thankful to him to this day.

He really taught me the places I liked to be kissed, ugh, and touched.

He was the one who taught me consent, believe it or not.

I learned that consent is exciting; it is about being sure about what you want to happen with your body and accepting what the other person wants to happen as well.

It is about asking first, “What is it you want us to do?” and not assuming this is what they want, and making sure both parties are eager for it to happen.

After we both came, we just cuddled—with lots of hickeys for him, not me, since getting one for me was a bit complicated and has left me with an insecurity I developed from that time.

During said cuddling moment, my mother called me, and it didn't stop there.

She had called during these heated moments and afterward to see where I was.

As I had a curfew of 8pm, and in that moment, I was way past it.

Haitian moms do not care if you’re a senior in college, pookie, my ass had to be home.

And so I could not stay over at my king's home even though he really wanted me to.

Lights on, I kissed him goodbye and headed home…

That night, after getting home, I filled my home girl and my cousin in on what happened.

I slept, only to wake up and notice a change: the next morning, he was a withdrawn man.

A man who would enthusiastically tell me good morning and good night, create engaging conversations, and seem excited to talk to me.

All of that was gone.

I remember checking in with him the day after to ask how he felt, and then radio silence for the rest of the day.

In my heart, I knew what this meant.

I had told my friends he is ghosting me, and they told me to just tell him my expectations, which I agreed to, and we set up a day to meet and talk.

I was the one who suggested we meet and talk—not him.

It still bothers me that he never initiated that conversation.

Where was his effort? Pussy ass

Anyway, he said he can come to Brooklyn, but I insisted on going to Queens to meet him in the cold… in a park… to ask what’s going on.

So the conversation went like this:

I told him to start the convo, and he said, "This is not going to work out."

I said… okay.

In which he said, “That’s it?” and I said yeah.

Then he asked what I was going to say before he said it wasn't gonna work out, and I said I wanted to ask if we could continue dating.

He was like, "No, he doesn't see it working,"

and I said, "Can I ask why?" and he said, "He doesn’t know, or something along those lines," meaning he didn't have a clear answer.

We agreed to be friends and that he would need time before we resume talking, and I agreed.

At this point, I dissociated so hard and was just hurt agreeing to whatever he was saying, so I could go home in this cold ass weather and cry.

I called my Uber, and as soon as we said goodbye, and the driver drove away from his bitchass…

Bitch I cried and let my friends know he didn’t want to continue dating me.

I can’t remember that day because I wasn't there.

My heart literally has left the station, and my brain has gone silent.

Soon after this day, Giveon released Heartbreak Anniversary, only for me, I don't care what you guys say. He released it with me in mind.

Cause when he said, “It’s cold outside like when you walked out of my life...”

I felt that because it had literally been cold when he left me.

Following all of this heartbreak, Thanksgiving came quickly.

Bitch when I say I did not eat for Thanksgiving!!!!

I did not eat because it just felt so unreal that someone I was willing to give myself away to could leave without any remorse and not essentially choose me.

It did not help that, following our conversation, he texted me to check up on me.

I of course lied because how can I tell this man that for me it was like my body had no soul inside because of how I lost him.

After the initial time apart, we didn’t text as much as we used to, but we stayed somewhat connected.

Earlier, we planned to hang out in the new year, but my sciatic pain flared so badly I thought I was immobile, so it didn’t happen.

What hurt was that when I told him why, he didn't really care or check in like he used to.

The planning for a hang out happened a bit earlier than the new year hang out, as well, like fresh off the breakup, so when I suggested coming over for video games, he said it’s too soon.

Which was fair, hence why we planned a hangout further down the line.

During our texting and making plans to hang out, I fell into this psychosis that was obsessed with treating him as if he were one of my homies or how I would normally associate with a man, and it did not go well.

I also came up with the bright idea to show up unexpectedly at his house with ice cream so we could hang out.

I tried to remember his address and everything so I could be there as a good surprise.

Post psychosis, I was like That's insane of you, shawty. Leave that man alone.

That girl was not me—I don’t recognize her now.

Even after the breakup, I kept interacting on his Instagram, joking around, questioning myself why we were still communicating at all.

I think my final straw was him checking in on me on Instagram or something cause next thing I knew, I wished him farewell then and there.

I can’t tell you why, because I was still really strung on him, so my brain didn't conceptualize anything happening.

I think it was a post he made or something that also made me semi-curse him out.

And just like that, my two-month situation ended. RIP Bae October-November 2020.

I then got into a tarot psychosis, tehehe, because I had to know when he would come back to me and when I would find love if it’s not with him.

I made my tarot friends answer that question every day, every week, or every month.

Whenever they can and when they all get off of tarots, I decided I will pay someone for tarot, tehehe, and even got into tarot myself alongside my cousin to get the answer.

I decided it was actually time to go half-no-contact.

Meaning, I did not check his stories anymore, and I tried so hard not to make stories about him, knowing he would see it.

I also want you guys to know… my first close friend's story….

Was made for him… AAHHHHHHH.

I know, and the first story was me in lingerie.

Very pick me of me. Sigh.

Told you my lingerie party would come back to me.

I fell deeper into tarot and started reconnecting with my body by seeing a new therapist in February 2021.

OMG, he was the reason I got a new therapist because the one I had beforehand did not help me at all when I lost him, and I had to finish college and just couldn’t.

Not because of him, but because of how stressed it felt finishing college as someone who didn’t expect that to be something I could do. Anyway, that’s another deep dive for another time.

My new therapist is so amazing. We are still going strong.

LOL. She helped me reflect on him so many times, and she remembered what I said and didn't judge me for how I was feeling.

We even deep dived into my many traumas.

I have some form of neurodivergence, so I lost track of where this breakup story was going, oops.

But as I got back into my body thanks to my therapist and, surprisingly, tarot a bit, I let him go.

I promised myself that if he does not say congrats on my graduation post, I will delete him forever in June 2021.

He never said congrats or liked the post, so I did what I had to do.

I deleted our text thread, I blocked him on Instagram, and deleted our message thread there.

That same night, I had a scary ass dream.

I had a dream where he and I had a conversation in which he told me he had gotten a new girl and that she was his girlfriend, someone he loved.

Then our heart threads got cut, literally cut inside the dream, where I felt it in real life, and boom, I woke up feeling like my heart was bleeding, and started pouring my eyes out because it felt like I had a heart attack or a punctured heart, the way my heart was cut in real life.

After that dream, though, I became more detached from who he was and our connection.

I did hold him on a pedestal thereafter and didn’t exactly get over our time together, but I was over him.

It took me two and a half years to get over him and remove him from that pedestal.

Lately, though, he still holds the chip for the best man I’ve dated.

Omg, especially since he was also the first and only person, I have ever had a baby dream with.

We had a beautiful, dark brown daughter with black hair, and he and I were so happy. (He is Wasian and I am what you might say 'lightskin')

This dream didn't help me get over him because I was like, "We have a baby in our future, so we will get back together."

(insert clown face sigh)

So yeah, that’s the story of us.

Baldy and I ended on a bad note, the way Mr. 6line and I did, but with fewer roasts and more annoyance, resentment with a dash of multiple psychosis.

Also, we had to end for good the way that dream ripped my heart out. 'Cause that shit really hurt.

Despite all the hurt, though, I am thankful to him for being my first kiss, my first heartbreak, because it was safe and consensual.

He taught me consent, lube, and that men are absolutely evil even when they are the nice guy.

I am thankful to him for setting standards for me and starting a conversation within me about exactly what I desire in someone and how I want them to show up in our dating stage.

I might actually give you guys a post where I just say thank you to him, because I don’t have a pedestal (I lowkey do), but I do have thanks and gratitude for him always.

However, I still remember he did me dirty and left me, but also it is fair that he left because he wasn’t feeling it, and that is valid.

However, his timing was not the greatest, and he should’ve spoken to me asap rather than try to ghost me after such an intimate moment.

What about you guys?

Ever had a situationship that left you this crazy?

Have you ever had dreams like that where you felt the heartbreak in real life?

Also, was this a situationship, or was this simply just someone I dated?

I think he is just someone I dated.

Well, TO US

Sincerely,

Marie Anne